Something I've Learned

A huge part of growing up is learning about yourself. Being a rather introspective person (I’m very much “in” my head) and having been a psychology major in college I truly value the relationship I have with myself. I spent high school trying desperately to make myself “someone” or “something.” It wasn’t until college that I started tying to find out more about who I am. My emotions, my reactions, what I want. And this past year or so has been about accepting this person, myself. It’s sort of enlightening to realize things about myself, traits that I have always had but perhaps never recognized, and this awareness is bringing me happiness. And the more I learn about myself, the better I am in my relationships. Last night for example, I was in one of the yucky moods that I find myself in roughly once a month. Everything felt wrong. Even the things that were right weren’t right enough. I had a nice evening. The bf and I made dinner together, I drank a glass of wine , we watched some tv. He sensed that I was in a bad mood, and tried to comfort me (which is of course exactly the attention I wanted at the time, even though I shrugged and acted like I was fine.) The evening was exactly what I wanted. It’s what I always want. To feel comfortable and loved. To be with a wonderful guy. Except instead of feeling happy, all I felt was unsatisfied. I want us to move in together. I want to progress. I felt like everything in my life is just in a stand still. And yes its good, but I need to evolve. Waiting to find a job, waiting to hear back from graduate school. Basically I just wanted to cry. I felt miserable even though I knew I was happy. I have basically gotten everything I’ve wanted, and yet still it’s not enough. I didn’t have any control over the way I felt, and that always sends me into a tailspin. (Can we say control issues?)
Here is where the break through happened. In the past I would have found some meaningless thing to get upset over. I would have used this item to throw a tantrum about, there would be tears, and things said that I really didn’t mean… all to go to bed pouting and feeling sorry for myself. Except instead of doing all of these things, making all of the mistakes I’ve made so many times before… I stopped. I told myself that these were just hormones. I recognized that it felt sucky to not have control over my emotions, and that I’m feeling unsatisfied in this moment. I gave myself permission to feel this way, and I didn’t expect anyone else to make it better. I did not take it out on my boyfriend because truly (and I swear this is a new revelation for me) there is nothing he could have done to change the way I felt. Not to get all zen or anything, but happiness comes from within. I know “they” always say that, but it’s so absurdly true. People can go around trying to make you happy. It does not matter. You can only rely on yourself to be happy. So I decided to go to sleep a little early last night. I shut my mouth and forced my eyes closed. And after 9 hours of sleep, I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. I was relieved that I had not thrown a tantrum. I was happy to be waking up in the arms of my lovely boyfriend who was not upset with me for throwing the hypothetical fit. And miracle of miracles, my pms-y sadness was gone. Simple as a good nights rest. No tears were EVEN shed.
And so I have learned this about myself. When everything feels wrong, and nothing has happened, just go to sleep. A good nights rest makes everything better. That way if you wake up and something is still feels wrong, at least you have the energy to deal with it.
Oh and I get cranky when I’m hungry.